ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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