You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
