My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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