He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I look better un-naked...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
