TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
