I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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