3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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