he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
