dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
