At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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