They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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