The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
