Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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