my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
