Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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