I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
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I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
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Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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