Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
