my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
