I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
