he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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