So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
