Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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