On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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