I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
