6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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