i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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