2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We are all done wearing pants today
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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