i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So many bounce houses so little time
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
