I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
