Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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