we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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