You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize