you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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