Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
