I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
