There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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