even my farts smell like vagina
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
