Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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