If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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