sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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