Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
