So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
