That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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