Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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