Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
