Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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