Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
