im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
