I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
