dude i'm inner monologue high
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
