last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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