Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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