i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
